That is how I’d been referring to Little Yellow the last few months. Saying so sounds a bit more negative than I intend it to, but that was honestly how it felt. In fact, it felt almost impossible that the amount of work I contributed so very often seemed to take so very long and make so very little difference.
I remember starting last September. I remember looking at the lumber on the trailer and feeling totally out of my ball park. I remember thinking that the feeling would go away soon and I’d promptly skip out the door with hammer swinging conviction to work on my house every day. Well that thought was a good few miles off.
First, I certainly wasn’t able to work on it every day and, at least when I was alone, never started before 3:00 pm. Like, never. Probably not even once. Second, any attempted skipping in conjunction with the swinging of heavy, semi-hazardous metal objects was not to be in my future with a good ending.
But seriously; without fail, I would have that same overwhelming feeling at least once every single day for the entire build. Up to the last week, even. Like there was too much. There was just too much and I couldn’t do it. It’s too hard. It’ll never get done. How on earth will I possibly figure X out?
And it’s such a strong feeling. You’d think, seeing as I got it every jolly day, I’d figure out that as soon as I shut that part of myself the hell up, I’d almost always manage to get something concrete done. But that’s how it gets you. It has some terribly tricksy little fiendish way of convincing you that this is a different feeling than you’ve had before. All the other previous feelings of inadequacy were just tests, and this is the one that’ll get you. I can be pretty stupid for being relatively smart.
I wanted to talk about this because I’d like to make sure that those of you who have ever felt this way while building (or otherwise creating something that far surpasses your comfort level) know that you are not alone. You can do it, and it’s going to be great. Mentally pushing through can sometimes be your biggest obstacle, I’m pretty sure it was for me.
A little of the happy fuzzies before I go to bed in my lovely loft. My house is like something big that you really love compacted into something you can hold in your hand. Kind of like a snowglobe instead of Alaska. It is bright and warm and full of time, thoughts and cat hair. It is the very best thing I have ever had for keeps